Listen to Jim: http://www.jimreedbooks.com/mp3/seventyTwain.mp3 or read on…
MARK TWAIN AND I TURN SEVENTY
Seventy was creeping up on me, these last few days. But I don’t have to worry about that anymore, because today, Seventy is here. Now I can return to my regular life as if nothing happened.
My comfort level with this one and only seventh-decade event was restored when my copy of Mark Twain’s Autobiography fell open to a page I had never read before. There, before my wizened eyes, was the transcript of a speech Twain made on the occasion of his seventieth birthday!
Kismet! I shouted to no-one in particular.
Here are a few things Twain and I have to say about turning seventy:
Twain: I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by sticking strictly to a scheme of life which would kill anybody else.
Reed: Here I am; I don’t know how I got here and I don’t know where I’m going, so I don’t have much advice that anybody would be apt to take seriously.
Twain: I will now teach, offering my way of life to whomsoever desires to commit suicide by the scheme which has enabled me to beat the doctor and the hangman for seventy years.
Reed: My hunch is, you would do well to ignore any free advice I have to offer. However, if you wish to remit an honorarium for my services, I will go on and on.
Twain: I have made it a rule to go to bed when there wasn’t anybody left to sit up with; and I have made it a rule to get up when I had to.
Reed: I go to bed when I run out of things to laugh about, and I get up when I’m bored with hiding under the covers.
Twain: In the matter of diet…I have been persistently strict in sticking to the things which didn’t agree with me until one or the other of us got the best of it.
Reed: I respect the basic food groups, which consist of popcorn, marshmallows, bacon, olives and Ruffles.
Twain: I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
Reed: I smoked my last cigarette, pipe, cigar, in 1969. I don’t miss one moment of my smoking life. I have no idea how I was able to give it up, so I have no advice for you.
Twain: As for drinking, I have no rule about that. When the others drink I like to help; otherwise, I remain dry.
Reed: I drank my final alcohol in 1985. It no longer interested me and seemed rather a silly habit. I have many other habits that I won’t talk about right now.
Twain: I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
Reed: Exercise is excruciatingly boring and show-offy. If they would call it something else, it might be fun.
And so on. By now, you’ve no doubt learned that it’s best to ignore as useless any advice received from Mark Twain and Jim Reed.
So, I have managed to impart some wisdom to you despite my reluctance to do so. Go build your own parachute. Mine’s getting a hole-ier-than-thou attitude. Full of holes and sudden surprises
© 2011 A.D. by Jim Reed