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THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF TOOTHPASTE TUBES
In case you haven’t brushed your teeth yet, please read this column carefully.You do not want to mistreat your teeth.
As the philosopher Soupy Sales once said, “Be true to your teeth and they won’t be false to you.”
Here’s how to care for your teeth: “Brush teeth thoroughly after meals or at least twice a day,” according to the sacred text of Crest, imprinted on each tube of toothpaste.
If you are new to the teeth-brushing ritual, you may have questions: 1. “Can I get it over with first thing by brushing my teeth twice in five minutes?” 2. “If I forget to brush after meals, can I brush during or right before meals? After all, I have seen more than one person floss in public and feel this practice might not be unacceptable.” 3. “If a toothbrush is not readily available, may I substitute a hairbrush or whisk broom?” 4. If I brush on the run, is it permissible to forego toothpaste and substitute whatever is available, like bourbon or Diet Coke? 5. “How long do I brush? Can’t find any Crest instructions about this. Is one hour sufficient?” 6. “When there’s no convenient way to brush, can I just use a toothpick? I see all kinds of people walking out of restaurants, toothpicking away and making those TSK sounds.”
You may have many other questions, but perhaps you should pause and make a list.
Speaking of pausing, I heard this on NPR the other day, ”The players were taking a moment to pause.” Can’t get my mind around it, since this sentence seems to be saying the players were pausing to pause. Maybe they wanted to floss.
Well, to tell the tooth, I don’t have that much to talk about today, do I? I feel that somebody needs to address these issues, so it might as well be me.
One more grammar thought. There are signs everywhere that refer to parking violations. Can you tell me which is correct? Is it, “Prosecutors will be violated,” or “Violators will be persecuted,” or what? It would be fun to see a posted sign stating, “Violators will be mob-flossed.”
Oh, just one more grammar usage that scrambles my already scrambled mind:
“This program contains adult content.”
What does this mean? It seems to be saying, “This program contains content.” Can a program contain content? Would it be more proper to say, “This program contains language and subject matter suitable only for grown-ups or prodigies?
I would settle for, “This program contains images of people flossing, picking and brushing.”
This is one program I would avoid
© 2016 A.D. by Jim Reed
http://www.jimreedbooks.com/podcast