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Life, actually…
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IGNORABLE ADVICE FROM THE PAGES OF GEEZER QUARTERLY MAGAZINE
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These notes fell out of my Red Clay Diary this morning. They apply solely to guys who are so far gone in age they are largely invisible to younger folks. Here goes…
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Personal-appearance tips from the Down South imaginary pages of GQ (Geezer Quarterly) Magazine.
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FASHION TIPS FOR GEEZERS:
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If you’re going to primp, do it once a day, preferably right before you let anybody else see you. It looks vain to keep checking your cowlick or your comb-over or your bald pate all day, so just do it right one time and forget about it. One of the perks of being aged and over the hill is you can walk around all day looking unkempt, simply because nobody notices.
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Throw away all your socks and get a dozen pair in just one color, maybe black. That way, you don’t have to waste time finding matching partners. Black goes with everything. If you’re a geezer, people expect you to wear unmatched socks. Black dissolves that problem.
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If you don’t want your considerable gut to call attention to itself, wear a black (there’s that color again!) shirt or a Book-‘Em-Danno shirt. Book-‘Em-Danno shirts are so colorful and distracting that nobody will focus on your flab. Besides, it’s kind of OK to be chunky when you’re wearing a Book-‘Em-Danno shirt. But if you want to remain invisible, do the black shirt thing.
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The no-iron rule: select all casual clothes based on whether they have to be pressed after washing. Ironing is a waste of time and, like I said, after a certain age, everybody expects you the geezer to be wrinkled, but nobody expects your clothes to be wrinkle-free. Beware of friends and acquaintances who have their jeans washed, starched and ironed. There’s something a little bit wrong there.
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Never, never do a comb-over…unless you go all the way. Comb-overs have the same effect on people as toupees and hair club do-overs. Everybody notices them. And the best un-kept secret about toupees and wigs is: If you wear one, that’s all anybody will ever remember about you. Period.*
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*Exception to the toupee rule: Give actors and performers a pass on their toupees. It’s how they make their living. They have to look good to get jobs. Just enjoy how good-looking they are and stop with the snarky remarks.
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All day each day, avoid looking at yourself in mirrors. It will only demoralize you. Nothing more disturbing than seeing the reflection of some old saggy baggy guy and suddenly realizing it’s you. Best to cherish how you appeared at your best in high school. You can edit out the remembered acne, of course.
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Each pocket you add to your shirt ages you another decade. One pocket is useful, two pockets are overkill—you might as well wear a protector. The coolest thing to do is wear shirts without pockets, since pockets only encourage you to stuff things into them, thus bulking you up even more.
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On the other hand, make sure you utilize all the pockets in your trousers. Keep everything in them for easy access…and don’t ever wear a belt pouch/fanny pack (it looks like a snake that just swallowed something really huge). This allows you to keep both hands free, swinging loose and easy.
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Don’t get me started about shoes. I learned early on that the only shoes worth wearing are the ones that fit comfortably from the first moment you put them on. If they hurt in the store, they’re never going to stop.
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Don’t wear trousers unless your pockets contain a set of keys, IDs, money. This prevents hours of lost time searching for the above. Don’t put them down anywhere, ever!
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Had enough of this for one sitting?
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Why not absorb today’s GQ tips and see whether they work for you? If you don’t happen to be a geezer yet, look what you’re missing!
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And stay tuned for more geezer wisdom as it occurs. Or recurs
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2023 A.D. by Jim Reed
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