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If you don’t much care about fashion, it should be easy to take personal-appearance tips from the editor of GQ (Geezer Quarterly) Magazine.
I am that editor.
FASHION TIPS FOR GUYS:
If you’re going to primp, do it once a day, preferably right before you let anybody else see you. It looks vain to keep checking your hair all day, so just do it right one time and forget about it. If you’re Clint Eastwood, you can get away with having a fluffy cowlick all day, because you’re Clint Eastwood. It doesn’t matter whether the rest of us walk around all day with cowlicks, simply because nobody notices.
Throw away all your socks and get a dozen pair in just one color, maybe black. That way, you don’t have to waste time finding matching partners, and black goes with everything. If you’re a geezer, people expect you to wear black socks. By the way, the same goes for underpants. Buy black ones and they’ll never look dirty.
If you don’t want your copious gut to call attention to itself, wear a black (there’s that color again!) t-shirt or a Book-‘Em-Danno shirt. Book-‘Em-Danno shirts are so colorful and distracting that nobody will focus on your flab. Besides, it’s kind of OK to be chunky when you’re wearing a Book-‘Em-Danno shirt.
The no-iron rule: select all casual clothes based on whether they have to be pressed after washing. Ironing is a waste of time and, like I said, after a certain age, everybody expects you to be wrinkled, but nobody expects your clothes to be wrinkle-free. Beware of friends and acquaintances who have their blue jeans washed, starched and ironed. There’s something a little bit wrong there.
Never, never do a comb-over…unless you go all the way. The only person who does his all the way is Donald Trump, and he only gets away with it because he’s rich and famous. Try to do your own Trump-over and see how many foxy gold-diggers hang out with you. Comb-overs have the same effect on people as toupees and hair club do-overs. Everybody notices them. And the best un-kept secret about toupees is: If you wear one, that’s all anybody will remember about you. Period.
Exceptions to the toupee rule: Give actors and performers a pass on their toupees. It’s how they make their living. They have to look suave to get jobs. Just enjoy how good-looking they are and let the snarky remarks slide.
All day each day, avoid looking at yourself in mirrors. It will only demoralize you. Nothing more disturbing than seeing the reflection of some old guy and suddenly realizing it’s you. Best to cherish how you appeared in high school—sans acne, of course.
Each pocket you add to your shirt ages you another decade. One pocket is useful, two pockets are overkill—you might as well wear a protector. The coolest thing to do is wear shirts without pockets, since pockets only encourage you to stuff things into them, thus bulking you up even more.
On the other hand, make sure you utilize all the pockets in your trousers. Keep everything in them for easy access…and don’t ever carry a belt pouch (it looks like a snake that just swallowed something really huge). This allows you to keep both hands free, swinging loose and easy. Pretend you’re Clint Eastwood, loping along, looking purposeful and intense. Would Clint carry a back pack or brief case or pouch?
Don’t get me started about shoes. I learned early on that the only shoes worth wearing are the ones that fit comfortably from the first moment you put them on. If they hurt in the store, they’re never going to stop.
Don’t wear trousers unless your pockets contain a set of keys, IDs, money. This prevents hours of lost time searching for the above. Don’t put them down anywhere, ever!
Had enough of this for one sitting?
Why not absorb today’s GQ tips and see whether they work for you.
And stay tuned for more geezer wisdom as it occurs. Or recurs
(c) 2012 A.D. by Jim Reed