Catch Jim’s podcast at: https://youtu.be/hVeiYvF8T-Q
or read his original transcript below:
Life, actually…
ADVENTURES IN PHONELAND
IN OLDEN DAYS…this is how we make phone calls:
1. Lift phone from cradle.
2. Dial number.
3. Phone at other end of call rings.
4. If no-one answers, hang up and try again later.
5. If called person answers, conversation begins.
IN TIMES LIKE THESE…this is how we make phone calls:
1. Retrieve palm-sized phone from bag or purse or pocket.
2. Enter some kind of code.
3. Search for number of party about to be called.
4. Punch automated number.
5. After phone rings, listen to recorded message.
6. When beep occurs, leave message.
7. If impatient, text a thumb-animated message.
8. Disconnect and wait.
TODAY, CALL MY BOOKSTORE, USING OLD-TIME METHOD OR CURRENT METHOD…
1. Tapping fingers impatiently, wait for phone to ring three times.
2. Listen to message: “Happy memories from Reed Books and the Museum of Fond Memories. If you’re calling during business hours, this recording means I’m down the hall or on the other line. Please leave a message and I’ll call back. We’re in the shop Tuesdays through Saturdays. Phone and email and internet orders are available, along with curbside store pickup. All charge cards and paypal available, gift cards, too. And we really want to help you. Y’all come!” BEEP.
3. Leave your message. No texting available.
4. Should you not leave a message, I will not know you called, since I live in pre-caller-ID-land.
IN DAYS OF YORE, I NEVER HAVE TO RETRIEVE YOUR MESSAGE, SINCE NO MESSAGE MACHINE EXISTS. I just wait for you to call again.
IN TODAY’S WORLD, I must obtain your recorded message in order to find out what’s what.
1. I dial a ten-digit number
2. A robotic voice asks me to enter area code and telephone number, then something called a PIN.
3. Voice chastises, “I‘m sorry, the number you entered does not match our records. If you have forgotten your number…”
4. I override rest of message and enter correct PIN thingy. It was nice of the robot to apologize.
5. Robotgirl shouts out, “Welcome to AT&T voice mail. You have one new voice message and no saved voice messages.” (The voice is answering a question I did not ask.)
5. Voice continues, “Main menu. To get your messages press one.”
6. I comply. After a beep, I’m told, “You have one voice message received today at 2 zero 9 pm from number 205-555-5555.” Why do I need to know the time and the number? I just want your message.
7. I listen to your message at last. I make notes.
8. Further robotic instructions: “To repeat, press 4.” Please, don’t repeat. I’m done.
9. I punch “7″ in order to hear that lovely voice again, “Erasing message.” Then, “You have no more messages.” OK, I get it. I have no more messages because I just erased them. Robot is beginning to sound condescending.
10. I realize I am having an emotional reaction to an emotionless machine. Isolation has gone on too long. I need human contact.
Arrgh!
Did I spell “arrgh” correctly?
Now I’m talking to myself
© Jim Reed 2021 A.D.