Kay Ivey, speaking at her good-ol’-boy deliberative mushmouth best in a broadcast interview this week, talked straight-faced about how heart rendering the situation was. I don’t remember now what the “situation” was because I was giggling too loud to hear the rest of the story. Her rendering of heart rending was one of those dozens of misunderestimations of the English language I hear daily.
These grating but funny language misuses and mispronunciations give me hope.
NOO-(rhymes with boo!)-kuh-ler physics
NOO-kuh-ler FIZZ-ist
REEL-uh-ter (actually pronounced that way by two realtors I know)
REEL-uh-tee
PATH-us (it’s PAY-thoss, dadgummit!)
A-(rhymes with say!)-rab, Alabama (actually, this one is correct)
HEE-nee-uss crime (HAY-nuss, I tell you!) That’s a heinous way to pronounce this!
“The data is overwhelming.” No, the data are overwhelming!
“The media is biased.” No, the media are biased. Or not.
“It’s color is bright.” No, its color is bright. Please!
“Its high time.” No, it’s high time. Pleeze!
Ann-R-tic (no, it’s ant-ARK-tic)
FIZZ-uh-cull year (FISS-cull year!)
Miss-CHEEV-ee-us (It’s MISS-chev-vous)
And so on…
Why do these gaffs give me hope? Well, they distract me from the truly disturbing rants I hear from people who inject themselves with Type A LimbaughBeckPalin serum before leaving the house. I don’t mind their addictions, I just wish they’d button their lips when I’m trying to hold a normal conversation.
Our neighbor-across-the-alley’s car was vandalized overnight, and all he could say to Liz was, “One of your Obama voters broke into my vehicle last night.”
My customer searching for the book The Nazi Doctors urged me to read it, “because that’s where Obama got his plan for health care…they’re gonna get us all, you know.”
Another customer wants to purchase the Anarchist Cookbook because he’s preparing for the big revolution.
And one customer wants books on witchcraft so he can get rid of all those (fill in the blank) who are ruining this nation.
And so on, again…
Actually, I know that most folks have a box marked “crazy” under their beds (to paraphrase Jon Stewart), which they bring out on special occasions. But a little restraint would be appreciated by those of us who just want to laugh at a few mispronounced words. We’d rather not hear the misguided ideas that seem designed as code language for racism, bigotry, intolerance, hatred and mean-spiritedness.
Just bring a mispronunciation into the shop and make me laugh!
Or not
Jim Reed (c) 2009 A.D.