Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/painfulthoughtsofbugsbunny.mp3

or read on…

Painful Thoughts of Bugs Bunny and Other Smart Remarkers

Pain is what you don’t expect. Surprise!

Surprise can be painful; pain is always surprising.

Pain is what you anticipate and anticipate and anticipate.

Didn’t Billy Shakespeare say, “Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.” I guess that means cowards tend to allow their imaginations to get the best of them. Valiant people must be deeply into avoidance in order to survive.

Relief comes from finding out that what you anticipated isn’t as bad as you expected.

Pain is all in your head.

Wait…

Pain is all in your body.

OK, pain is everywhere in your body and your head, it’s just that some pains are more extreme than other pains, so the body does a kind of prioitizing—the most resounding pain is the pain you have to deal with to the exclusion of all other pecking-order pains. The tiniest pain gets the least attention, but is the tiniest pain always the least important pain?

Level of pain does not seem to have much to do with degree of danger. A hangnail can be excruciating, but how often is it life-threatening?

“He died of hangnail pain, poor S.O.B.”

As Bugs Bunny once said, “Pain hurts!”

Why will I do anything to avoid pain, even if that specific pain has little to do with degree of danger?

Walking barefoot across loose gravel is enormously painful, but will it kill me?

“He died of barefoot gravel-walking, poor S.O.B.”

Since this whole subject is painful, I think I’ll change the subject.

Avoidance can be a great pain-manager.

For me, it’s probably the only pain-manager.

Avoidance is a way of life, and it can work wonders, especially when you find it impossible to deal with the reality of things.

I recommend avoidance whenever possible.

I never recommend pain

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/thedaythepocketinmypantsstarted.mp3

or read on…

The Day the Pocket in My Pants Started Talking to Me

Sometimes, when least expected, my pants talk to me.

This happens without any effort on my part.

I’m sitting shotgun at the end of a row of other jazz lovers, listening to a large group of young musicians making music, and I am in thrall. Enthralled. Enraptured. That is, until I hear an annoying but familiar voice making comments about love, life and laughter. I look around to see who’s talking out of place. Nobody. But the voice continues. It is coming from my left pants-pocket, where rests the tiny audio recording device I use to make notes when pen and pad are nowhere to be found.

The voice is my own.

The device has somehow turned itself on, and now I’ve got to squirm quickly, dig down past datebook and cash, and try to retrieve the thing. It is still going on with its internal dialogue. I grab it, bring it out and smash my finger against the OFF button. Fortunately, most of the people around me are still wondering about the source of the voice—they haven’t pinpointed my pants yet.

The evening is saved.

From this day forth, I punch the fail-safe switch after each verbal note, hoping it won’t happen again.

But, my pants being haunted, or the recorder being haunted, the dang thing still switches itself on now and then…but only to entertain me. My disembodied electronic muse has a mind of its own, and I kind of like the fact that, like a two-year-old, it tries to get my attention at unexpected and appropriate times.

In fact, were it not for the notes residing in my pants pocket, this little piece of writing would not have occurred. The first line says it all, and I dutifully write it down. The voice speaks loudly and says THE DAY THE POCKET IN MY PANTS STARTED TALKING TO ME.

Like most diligent writers, I obey my muse and start writing, my pants creating what you just read

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/thedaythebrideconsideredordering.mp3

or read on…

The Day the Bride Considered Ordering a Hit on the Groom

Walking down the isle arm in arm with Dad was the scariest, most exhilarating experience  of her life so far. As she approached the priest and the groom, all she could think about was The Ring and what lay beyond. The Ring would make her the happiest she might ever be, The Ring and all it stood for…what a gigantic leap that would be. She was so excited she simply could not imagine what would be on the other side of this moment, the moment after the ring would rest secure and properly embrace her finger.

The groom, watching his lovely wife-to-be floating closer and closer, was doubly excited today. His bride expected to wear The Ring, but he had come up with something even better, something more enduring, more representative of the modern world in which they would live together. And she would be even more impressed with him because of his ingenuity, his leap of genius.

The ceremony was a blur, during which no-one thankfully grew hoarse or stumbled or stuttered. The priest said, “The ring, please,” or something like that. Later, sitting in her cell, she would not remember the exact words.

The groom, his ear-to-ear smile lighting up the chapel, pulled from his pocket a small electronic device and turned it on, holding it up for all to see. The image on the screen was three-dimensional, clearly focused, high-resolutioned, state-of-the art in futuristic quality. The image was that of The Ring.

The priest’s brow furrowed, the bride looked a bit dazed, the groom proudly explained, “This is the ultimate symbol of my love for you. This image is permanent, can never be lost (it will remain safe in The Cloud forever), can be laser printed and framed to go over our living room mantel.” He took a deep breath, beaming his pride. “So I give you this image in place of a mere ring, making you the first bride to embrace the future of 21st Century technology, making the mere physical object of a metal ring obsolete and unnecessary.”

The bride’s voice quavered, “Where is the ring?” The groom began repeating his explanation but never finished because at that moment the bride pulled a revolver from her bouquet and…

The Lover of Books was enjoying the surprise birthday party thrown together by his family and friends, and now came gift-opening time. Each package contained a book, since his wife had notified everybody in advance that books made him happier than any gift you could think up. There were big books, small books, new books, ancient books, profound books, gag books, readable books, and he dived into each package as if Christmas were here.

Then, one old friend handed him his final present. A Kindle. An electronic book that would make all his other gifts meaningless and obsolete, his friend explained, quite proud of his brilliance and predictive genius.

The Lover of Books looked at the electronic object as if it were a brown shoe floating in a punch bowl at the Senior Prom. He glanced over at the pile of books he was looking forward to thumbing through, skimming, marking, bookmarking, highlighting, feeling, smelling, storing bits of note cards and confetti within, securely stacking around him like a fortress against the vulgarities of the 21st Century.

The friend was so pumped up about his profundity at giving this plastic and metal gift that he did not notice the Lover of Books reaching into the desk drawer and pulling forth a revolver

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/theimportanceofnotreading.mp3

or read on…

The Importance of Not Reading Being So Cool

“So, what are you reading these days?” I ask a ten-year-old customer at the shop. He is accompanied by an avid-reader sister and parents who are enjoying digging through tons of books.

“Uh, I don’t read,” he proudly announces, working hard to look cool and macho at the same time.

“You mean you can’t read at all?” I ask, faking sympathy.

“Er, no, I know how to read,” he replies a bit disdainfully.

“He knows how to read, he just doesn’t like to read,” his nearby sister explains patiently, thumbing through a Nancy Drew book.

“So, you don’t read anything?” I persist, knowing that what he really means is that he reads everything he wants to read, but never in the form of a book, which would not be cool.

He doesn’t know how to answer, so I say, “You did not read street signs on the way over, to find out where you are…you don’t read anything on the internet…you don’t read video game instructions…you don’t text or facebook or tweet…you don’t read comic books…you don’t read the sports page to see what your favorite team is doing?”

He admits he does read these things.

“Then, I guess what you mean is that you just don’t read books, right?”

He nods.

“OK. Follow me for a second,” I engage his gaze and trap him for a moment or two. “What would happen if you hard-copied everything you read this week–you know what a hard copy is?” He nods, a little hypnotized now. “Then,” I continue, “What if you made a hard copy of each and every thing you read and placed it in a stack after seven days. Do you think the stack would be about this thick?” I measure out 1 1/2 inches with thumb and finger. He agrees that’s about right.

“Well, if you took that stack of paper to Kinko’s and asked them to bind it together with hard covers, that would be what we call a Book.”

He gets it, I can tell.

“So…you read at least one book a week…so you do read books!” I smile. His parents are paying attention but hiding this fact from the boy. It’s obvious they have tried to work through this with him in various ways but have never thought of the “book” approach.

I smile again and say, “Thanks for reading books. They are quite fun to read!” He kind of relaxes and continues to wander the shop. His sister is grinning. And I relax because I can see that he is not offended or embarrassed—thank goodness! A fine line to walk.

As I head to the front of the shop to assist other customers, I quote Mark Twain to his sister and parents because it’s my store and I can do things like this: “A man who doesn’t read has no advantage over a man who can’t read.”

I know—I’m a tad overbearing. But dang it, I just have to sermonize now and again.

By the way, this happens at least twice a week in the shop. Sometimes it’s a forty-something man who brags about never reading books, once in a blue moon it’s a young girl, but the scenario is always the same—someone brags about never reading books as if it is the politically correct thing to do in the modern South. And I, the avid bookseller, try to demonstrate in various ways that books are everywhere in every form, ready to be read, even if they are in no way called books

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/theobscuremanofacertain.mp3

or read on…

The Obscure Man of a Certain Gait Moves Unnoticed Through the Drenched City

The friendly extroverted chatting customer grabs his change from me and heads waving toward the door. “Thanks…I’ll be back!” he grins over his shoulder.

Browsers like this jolt me into a reluctant good mood on a slow day, or they confirm what I sometimes suspect: every day is good if you approach it the right way.

I am playing the role of successful, kindly shopkeeper. The customer is playing…well, is he playing or is this his true nature, this chipper, goodfellow facade? Am I faking it or is he?

I file the thought away and go about my morning duties in the aisles of foundling books. When I leave the store for lunch, I wave to Marie, and she takes over.

New York Times under my arm, I stroll toward the diner and prepare for twenty minutes of solitude—just me, my paper, my lunch plate, some really loud static-filled music, and other diners who leave me alone to my dome of solitude.

I glance through the large street-view window, munching away as I turn the paper inside-out, and see, walking along 22nd Street, the jaunty customer who had been in the shop earlier. But he’s somehow different now.

He is usually bright, has good eye-contact, has a ready smile, is joyful and friendly…but when I see him walking outside his environment unnoticed, there is something slightly obscure and unsure about him…his head is slightly cocked to the side, he looks down, he is serious, he is in a hurry as if he’s afraid someone might spot him. He’s not carrying his recent purchase.

His dome of solitude transmogrifies him and makes him nearly unrecognizable. In the bookstore, he was one person, now he is another. He shapeshifts with his locale. What is he at home? Who is he at church on Sunday? What does he become in heavy suburban traffic? Is he a kindly father, a giving neighbor, an angry insurrectionist, a future Nobel laureate, a sentenced felon?

I’ll never know, nor will he ever know who I am and when and where.

To me, it’s enough to know a good customer. To him, perhaps it’s enough to be in the  sanctuary of the bookshop for a few minutes before he bolsters his courage enough to brave the disguise he must don to re-enter the city byways.

I return to my paper and my munching, leave my paltry tip on the table, wave to the cashier, and open the door to the street, where I become that other person, that pedestrian who would be unrecognizable to the customer who views me as just the kindly old bookie

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/speaksoftlyandcarry.mp3

or read on…

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A SMALL, OLD BOOK

The Word Scribe purposely trod the street of the big city in the mid-morning hour. Looking left, right, below and above, he attempted to imprint his surroundings in a secure place in his mind for later reference. He felt the need to remember everything in sight. He loved the notations he constantly refined inside the small book he always carried apocket.

This particular day, the Word Scribe entered the quiet confines of his shop, locked the door behind him, and began reviewing and recording his impressions.

He wrote these words:

Thoughts are precious.

Thoughts must not be allowed to fall listlessly from your mind and tumble to the floor, eventually rolling under something where you can’t get to them.

Thoughts are mysteries and revelations unto themselves. The mysterious thoughts must be retained for later surgical examination. The revelations must be carefully described and regarded as if they constituted an index to Life Itself. 

The Word Scribe completed his ritualistic notations, closed the small book and placed it in his pocket.

What did I learn today? the Word Scribe asked himself in particular.

He smiled and realized that he was not quite prepared to explain what he had learned, that more writing and editing would have to take place before that could happen.

He was comforted by the fact that his thousands of notes, his hundreds upon hundreds of stories, were already released to the cosmos and floated around encased within notebooks and stacks of paper and software programs…existing as tweets and books and facebook entries and blogs and blasts…carrying on into the air as broadcasts, as echoes from the many speeches and performances he had delivered.

But the Word Scribe also knew, as all word scribes know, that regardless of how many places his words and stories were sequestered, no matter how many banks of red clay held them close, no matter how many people now living would remember and repeat these words and stories…he knew that there was always a chance that, once he faded from the trodden streets, those words and stories might disappear with him.

The Word Scribe used to worry about his Legacy, whatever that was.

But now that he had written so much, performed so much, related and recorded so much, he was beginning to realize that the Legacy meant nothing. He was beginning to realize that the pleasurable and exciting and roller coaster  life he had led and was leading, was all that really mattered.

He knew at last that the trip, the exploration, was the thing.

And if, someday, an inquisitive graduate student working on an obscure literary subject should find his words and think them important enough to turn into a footnote in a soon-to-be-filed-away thesis…that would be acceptable.

The joy he felt simply living his words was the one thing he hoped others would discover on their own

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/listeningthroughtouch.mp3

or read on…

Listening Through Touch to the Oh So Soft and Vibrant Radio Speaker

Somewhere amid the lonely wilds of the late-1950′s, the lone listener of all things jazz begins a solo quest to find the music of musics…

I am lying abed on my left side late at night carefully turning the tuning dial of the cast-off family radio, hoping to hear tonight’s episode of MOONGLOW WITH MARTIN.

Some evenings, the signal is clear and dramatic and rounded, so that I can lie on my back and listen through both ears to things I have never heard before. Sometimes, the signal drifts here and there, crackles into muffles, snaps solidly, then fades again. During those moments, it is acceptable to listen with only my right ear, since there’s really nothing of substance to be absorbed.

But on a clear night I can hear forever.

Tonight is one of those nights.

MOONGLOW WITH MARTIN is broadcast from the Roosevelt Hotel in New Orleans, and host Dick Martin smoothly introduces me to Miles Davis playing flugelhorn, pianist Oscar Peterson challenging bassist Ray Brown to a romp through some unfamiliarly familiar tune, Ella Fitzgerald scatting through Gershwin, pianist Errol Garner grunting and giggling through his own riffs, baritone saxophonist Gerry Mulligan inviting you deep within his mood piece, singers Mel Torme and Frank Sinatra and Billly Eckstine and Bobby Troup pulling you into the stories behind the lyrics, leaders Stan Kenton and Gil Evans standing above it all to show you the classy part of jazz.

And so on.

There are so many composers, voices, instrumentalists, arrangers, personalities to experience that it takes another fifty years to truly appreciate their art, their craft, their focus, their playfulness.

I am enchanted by Zen keyboardist Ahmad Jamal, insurrectionist saxist John Coltrane, improvising pianist Thelonius Monk, and all those sidemen and sidewomen who remain nameless till later, when I get to read their liner notes.

Often, I drift off to sleep with my left hand touching the smoothed burlap-textured radio speaker, becoming one with the soft vibrations the music injects into the cloth, feeling the slight warmth of the glowing radio tubes, remembering years back, when I imagined the jazz combos actually playing in tiny versions of themselves inside the wooden console.

MOONGLOW WITH MARTIN introduced me to the world of one-on-one listening, a world where there is only the Listener and the Sound, a world cleansed of all human interaction and temporal conflict, a world where peace and harmony and harmonics meld into some quirky but pure idea of how good the world could be if only we could learn to behave toward each with only the best parts showing

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/stalkingthecenturyoldwilds.mp3

or read on…

STALKING THE CENTURY-OLD WILDS OF THE CRACKING PLASTER CAVES

The old home is missing its people this evening. As I open the creaking door to enter, I become its sole inhabitant, since my wife is away at a meeting.

The ancient Persian rug in the foyer deadens the sound of my shoes, but the high plaster ceiling still echoes their presence. My breathing comes back at me, as does the sound of a wobbling plastic toy on a bookcase shelf, reacting to the ever-shifting foundation of this house atop limestone caves near Red Mountain. The foyer is airy, darker than the adjacent living room, where outside light beams in from three directions.

I hear the perpetual bark of a dog some two houses away, the beep-beep-beep of an alarm system waiting to be silenced, the click-clickety-click of several solar-powered figurines lining the window sills. An air conditioner creates its own ambience. Entering the kitchen, I ritualistically PLOP my bags onto counter chairs, flick and re-flick the overhead light till resident fluorescence decides to awaken, go to the sink and rinse my hands, the sound of a misty rain forest spray taking me back to another time, another clime. I pull the grumbling refrigerator door open, am embraced by the cranking ice maker and the mumbling motor, look long and hard into the incandescently lighted interior in hopes of finding something remarkable to eat. I settle on a sealed Diet Coke can which clanks against its buddies in the cardboard case in fond farewell to the closed quarters from which it is being liberated.

The metallic CLICK frees a certain amount of carbonated mist and the friendly fizz sound amplifies as I hold the container to my ear in remembrance of long-ago sea shells on sparkling white childhood beaches. I hold the drink high for a moment in a toast to the disregarding world and take my first noisy and quite satisfying sip.

The rest of the evening is spent traversing the caves of cracked plaster, each cave opening into another cave. The stairwell noisily welcomes my ascent, the first-landing double window splays images of the next-door house, the grassy alley below, the green and brown tree limbs, the ever-present phone lines and cable lines and electricity lines serving to feed the ancient hovels on this Birmingham street. Liz’s paintings adorn the walls and I find myself smiling at nothing in particular.

The upstairs hallway has a different humidity, a different temperature, a separate feeling. It is the gateway to a small bedroom that has served through the decades as kids’ room, art studio, ironing room, meditation room, guest room, catch-all room. The largest room, complete with unique colors and textures and soundings and fragrances has served as master bedroom, kids’ room, bookroom, closet room, video and audio room. The original  servants’ room has shifted purpose over the years, once a small child’s rainbow-bedecked bedroom, now a combined clothes closet and makeup-application and hair-do room.

Each cave is a special solitude, each worthy of notice, each deserving observation and contemplation in its own unique  way.

In the deadened hours of the night, walking from cave to cave, I am overwhelmed by the variety of stories these special spaces have absorbed over the past century or so. As I tread each floorboard, special occurrences shout their memories at me, each inch weaves a tale I am likely to miss if I don’t stop to reflect.

There is so much to learn and remember in this cave of caves, so much exploring to do, so many artifacts to examine and appreciate.

It is an exploration that will never really end

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim:

http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/thegenuineautomaticandguaranteed.mp3

or read on…

THE GENUINE AUTOMATIC AND GUARANTEED PROFANITY CUT-OFF SWITCH

The genuine automatic and guaranteed profanity cut-off switch has served me well in life. For sixty years, it has kept me out of much trouble…and maybe caused more trouble at certain times.

Let me expound briefly.

First thing I learn on Day One of being an actor—at the age of 13—is, don’t carry who you are onto the stage. Save it for backstage.

This means that if you flub a line during a live performance, you don’t curse aloud. To do so, back in these olden days, will mean instant dismissal. Flub a line, just keep on talking till you find that line, thus making the other actors breathe sighs of relief. When something—anything—goes wrong during performance, don’t burden the audience with it. The show must go on!

I carry this bit of wisdom with me when I begin appearing on live radio shows, then again on live television programs. Flubs are acceptable. Losing It is not acceptable. It is easier on the radio, since you can simply flip a switch on the microphone, burst forth with a profanity or a sneeze, then switch it back on and continue as if nothing happened—the audience being none the wiser. During television shows, you can’t control the sound, so you just repress the urge.

In later life, after the broadcasting career, this little bit of enforced behavior stands me in good stead. When speaking before customers or in front of audiences, I am unable to curse involuntarily. To do so would make the audience uncomfortable, cause the subject at hand to become sidetracked, and generally ruin my timing and pacing—both of which are key to good conversation, good expounding.

To whom do I owe this early wisdom, this enforced behavior? Well, in early  broadcasting, my mentors were Harriett Rowand, Don Rollins and Joe Langston. In The Theatre, there were folks like Marian Gallaway, Frank Stallworth, Bill Fegan. I at least got to thank Joe Langston and Don Rollins for their help. I am guilty of never going back to thank the rest.

It seems that these tiny bits of knowledge, almost unnoticed when born, become bigger and more influential as time goes by. Therefore, in my lifelong archives of columns and stories and true tales, let it be known that my thanks is sincere.

Just saying

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/itsybitsyspider.mp3

or read on…

THE ITSY BITSY RED CLAY SPIDER TAKES A SHOWER ON THE WEB

I groggily open the shower door as part of my zombie-esque morning routine, prepared to permit the Hot Water Spray Gods to blast me awake and drive my adrenalin rush. It’s the only way I can truly come alive each day.

But today is special. Even without my glasses, I can see that there is something different about the shower stall.

Just above eye level, right over the nickel plated controls, there rests a large, red-clay-hued wiggling spider.

Thus, I am frozen in the metal pedestrian-sign pose of a man who has just heard an alarm go off.

Suddenly, all the moral and philosophical arguments of the ages rush together in my mind, and I am conflicted for a moment.

Is this a poisonous spider? I have no idea. If not poisonous, does this spider bite anyhow? Even if it is not poisonous or bitey, do I want to trust it not to leap upon my face while showering?

I have trouble killing anything at all, much less minuscule critters who are more pesky than dangerous. But I do know that if I don’t do something about this spider, Liz will be hysterical should it introduce itself later. I have to be The Man.

Where are my weapons? Uh, I don’t own any because I never have the desire to weaponize anybody or anything. But basic instinct prevails. Hoping the spider won’t leap upon my naked body as I draw near, I grab a box of Kleenex and solidly WHOMP the intruder.

The tale is over. The spider is now in that big web site in the Cloud along with all the other spiders we humongous humans have dispatched over the centuries.

The murder is swift—but painless? The only way to know is to interview the spider, who is no longer in any condition to reply. Did I  just set my Karma back a thousand years? Will all the insects I’ve encountered be waiting for me when I take my place beside them Up There?

I resolve to accept the fact that I am a serial killer. Won’t do me any good to continue the inner dialogue right now—there will be plenty of time to face things after something WHOMPS me down the road.

For now, I will merely take my shower, ask the spider for forgiveness, and go about the day with a touch more humility than is customary.

Now to get to work and face the REALLY dangerous realities, the ones you can’t solve with just one red clay WHOMP

© Jim Reed 2014 A.D.

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

Twitter and Facebook