I’ll never forget the day I read a book

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http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/illneverforgetthedayireadabook.mp3

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So…what is the first book you ever read?

What is the first book I ever read?

Allow me to crank up the Time Machine and get back to those thrilling days of yesteryear, when books slowly insinuated themselves into my life.

First thing I do is SEE a book. It’s over there, just within reach of my chubby little uncoordinated fingers. I can roll just a quarter-roll in my crib—that’s all it takes to see this unfocused blur of colors and shapes on the cover. All I know how to do is experience the book, not knowing that it can be read and manipulated. So, I do what I know how to do: lick the cover and gnaw at the corners. It tastes different than those mashed-up things they are feeding me. It would be even tastier if I could bite off a piece and swallow it, but that comes later.

So, first I SEE a book. Then I TASTE it. Then I masticate a bit. Then, I lose concentration and fixate on a wiggly toy that is hanging above me. I’ll get back to the book later.

Next thing I know, I’m snuggled up to my mother’s chest, experiencing the words she is reading to me as they vibrate the side of my face. I can HEAR her voice with one ear. I can FEEL her voice with the other. And then I note that she is gently turning the pages, causing the colorful shapes and strange markings to shift each time. I can hear her inflections of warmth, suspense, happiness, as the pages drift by.

Before I know it, I’m sitting up in my own wobbly fashion and turning the pages—not necessarily one at a time, not necessarily in any order. But I am doing the book the way I know how to do it. And, now and then, I even taste it again. I’ve been known to rub a crayon onto the paper to add color and design.

Time flies and now I’m reciting a book to my mother and sister, pretending that I’m reading it as the pages pass, but actually I still don’t know how to read, I’m just feeding back what I’ve heard them read aloud so many times. They play along with the ruse.

Now, at last, I am picking out a word or two in preparation for enrolling in the first grade. I’m excited about the prospect of actually making my way through the words with some degree of understanding. And, amazingly, after a while I start to read big-lettered words on my own.

What is the first book I can read without assistance? Hard to tell, since the books at school are not the same books we have at home. I’m reading some in both places. But in class, I get to read a Dick and Jane and Sally story all the way through! When I become an author many years later, I am jealous of those who wrote this reader. Wouldn’t you like to be the writer whose works can be recited by heart by millions of school kids? “See Dick run. Run, Dick, run!”

In middle age, I discover the song that comedian Jimmy Durante co-wrote and performed with gusto:

 There’s one day that I recall, though it was years ago.

All my life I will remember it, I know.

I’ll never forget the day a read a book.

It was contagious, seventy pages.

There were pictures here and there,

So it wasn’t hard to bear,

The day I read a book.

It’s a shame I don’t recall the name of the book.

It wasn’t a history. I know because it had no plot.

It wasn’t a mystery, because nobody there got shot.

The day I read a book? I can’t remember when,

But one o’ these days, I’m gonna do it again.

(Listen to Jimmy sing it, at the end of this column.)

Just yesterday, a pleasant family enters the shop, looking around and remarking upon the variety of things to read. One young girl is just tagging along, so naturally she’s the one I try to engage in conversation: “What do you like to read?” I ask, hoping to introduce some titles to her. She performs a sly smile and doesn’t answer because, like so many other children I meet these days, she knows her avid parents will answer for her. “Oh, she doesn’t read,” her father says. I know what he’s saying, but I play dumb just to see what kind of response I’ll get: “You mean she doesn’t know how to read?” I ask sympathetically. She grins even more deeply, waiting for her parent’s punchline. “No she just doesn’t like to read.”

I get it now. This lass has found a way to rebel against her parents, assert her own identity, appear cool to other kids. Normally, I get to talk up a book enough to inspire someone like her to try it, but I know there’s no way this can happen when hovering but well-meaning parents are there to puppet-master her conversation.

So, I say what I always say whenever the situation calls for it: “Oh, too bad. Mark Twain once said that a person who does not read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”

This is aimed at no-one in particular. The girl gets the joke but continues to play dumb. The parents remain perplexed.

What will no doubt happen—I’ve see it often—is she will discover a spicy novel proffered by a friend and, in secret, read it voraciously, becoming hooked on reading despite herself. She will, in the tradition of all kids, hide this novel and this fact from her parents as long as she possibly can.

The cycle goes on.

And maybe one day she’ll hear an old Jimmy Durante song and get excited all over again

Here’s Jimmy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLOR8gKwyoo 

jim@jimreedbooks.com

http://www.jimreedbooks.com

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Singing in the bathtub with Billy Eckstine and John Lee Hooker

Listen to Jim:

http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/thewannabebillyeckstine.mp3

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The Wanna-Be Billy Eckstine Bass-Baritone Life Plan Caper

I’m a barely-teenage superstar belting out my acapella rendition of “That Old Black Magic” in the privacy of the family bathtub, and my audience of none thinks it’s the best thing ever heard on planet earth.

That old black magic has me in its spell.

That old black magic that you weave so well.

Those icy fingers up and down my spine.

The same old witch-craft when your eyes meet mine.

The same old tingle that I feel inside

And then that elevator starts its ride *

The bathtub is private tonight because I have the house to myself for a while—a rarity because two parents and five kids usually live here.

This is back in the early 1950′s in Tuscaloosa, when pre-rock ‘n’ roll singers who make it to the top of their profession know how to enunciate and carry a tune and actually SELL lyrics to the listener. Once you hear the most dynamic of these performers, you are hooked for life.

Anyhow, I’m singing away in the bathtub, hoping against all hope that someday I’ll have a great voice that can belt out “That Old Black Magic” to beat the band, a voice that will make me the most popular kid on the block.

Among the best of the best of all pop singers is Billy Eckstine, whose powerful bass-baritone voice and sense of jazz-disciplined improvisation make him an icon alongside the great male vocalists of the day—Frank Sinatra, Ray Charles, Nat “King” Cole, Mel Torme, Bobby Troup, Tony Bennett, Cab Calloway, Bing Crosby, Big Joe Williams, Harry Belafonte, Louis Armstrong, Sammy Davis Jr., Steve Lawrence, John Lee Hooker, Fred Astaire. These guys are wonderful storytellers and back in these times they all get to be heard on local radio stations. This is long before music appreciation becomes segmented and self-limiting, long before a true Sinatra fan isn’t allowed to appreciate Hooker, long before it is unfashionable to pair Lawrence with Williams, or Satchmo with Mario Lanza.

In my family household, a great singer is a great singer, regardless of genre or age or race or style…so we listen to Hank Williams and George Beverly Shea and Dean Martin and Leonard Warren and Homer and Jethro equally, because we know each has a talent that must be embraced and appreciated.

That’s why I’m anxious to be home alone now and then so I can bellow out songs that bounce off the tiles and echo my temporarily enriched tones. Today, I’m emulating Billy Eckstine, whose incredible range and clarity make me feel I could make any woman within the sound of my voice swoon.

Funny thing about my particular generation is that we not only love our own music, but we love our parents’ and grandparents’ music as well. Our recordings span half a century—waltzes and bebop and scat and honky tonk and opera and polka and Cajun and country and gospel and schmaltz and jazz and blues and satire all combine according to the mood of the moment.

Later, when I become a disc jockey, I get to play all these forms of music, perhaps the last time any disc jockey is accorded this honor. As soon as the mid-1960′s approach, radio stations begin segmenting, specializing, becoming frozen in playlists. But for a while, I get to ply my trade in several worlds:

At a public radio station, I play classical and opera and ballet, along with show tunes, jazz, folk and international sounds from various exotic cultures. At commercial radio stations, I play “mood” music, rock ‘n’ roll, pop, comedy tunes, country gospel, ol’ time religion, barber shop quartets, upper-crust sacred works—you name it, I am exposed to it. Plus, I get to expose my audience to this wondrous variety of talent.

Nowadays, in the nervous present, I find it difficult to explain my taste in music. Hip hop fans know nothing about bluegrass, punk rockers don’t know who Howlin’ Wolf is, opera enthusiasts look at me funny when I mention that John Denver made recordings with Pavarotti. And heaven forfend if I suggest that Dennis Day also sang with Spike Jones.

So, the evergreen memory I hold close is one of pretending that I, like Billy Eckstine and his generation, might actually, for a coupla seconds at a time, sound great.

This love of understandable lyrics carries me into the future and influences what I later do for pleasure. After all that practice emulating male superstar singers and male superstar actors (Richard Burton, Orson Welles, Laurence Olivier, Dick Martin), I grow up knowing how to make clear what I am saying, how to express the meaning behind the words. It serves me in good stead when, now and again, I get to perform in public, teach, act, communicate the love of great books. I have Billy Eckstine and all his buddies to blame.

So, many moons after the Tuscaloosa bathtub performance days, I still sing at the top of my lungs in the shower—but only when no-one is around. After all, the worst thing anyone could tell me is that I may sound more like Don Knotts than Eckstine.

Darling down and down I go,

‘Round and ’round I go,

In a spin, loving the spin I’m in

Under that old black magic called love! *

Denial of unpleasant truths is something I’ve honed to a fine art. It keeps me going forward, keeps me from facing unwanted realities, keeps me performing for my admiring shower stall audience of none

© 2013 A.D. by Jim Reed

( Listen to the man himself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SATmftj-Qbc )

(The above lyrics are verbatim from the original sheet music by Johnny Mercer and Harold Arlen. Lyrics found elsewhere on the internet are inaccurate–and mostly transcribed phonetically.)

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The 15 Immutable Rules of Real Life

15 IMMUTABLE RULES OF REAL LIFE

Listen to Jim:

http://jimreedbooks.com/mp3/immutabile_rules1.mp3

or read on…

1.    Things don’t sell for what they’re worth, they sell for what they go for.

2.    An outgoing smile is no indication whether there will be an incoming one.

3.    Smile only if it makes you feel good…don’t expect it to be returned.

Appreciate it if it is.

4.    A fake smile is almost always detectable.

5.    If you find it hard to smile, just think about what is worth smiling about in your life

and go with that.

6.    A smile may not be your umbrella on a rainy rainy day, but it can help you have fun

getting soaked. Imagine Gene Kelly, who was running a fever the day he filmed the

famous rain scene.

7.    If you’re afraid you’ll lose face, trying to smile when you don’t feel like it, just sneer

and turn it upside down. Post this sign in front of you at all times: SNILE!

8.    First-class people associate themselves with first-class people Second-class people

associate themselves with third-class people.

9.    Do nice unto others as you would have them do nice unto you. But if they continue

not doing nice unto you, drop them and associate only with those who do.

10.  Smile a lot, at nothing at all. It will make people think you know something they

don’t. It will drive your enemies crazy. It will draw nice people to you and help you

identify people who aren’t.

11.  Those who are tardy do not get fruit cup.

12.  Those who do not find their mittens do not get pie. Even if they find their mittens,

they still may not get pie.

13.  Sometimes, the sky really is falling.

14.  Every good idea eventually backfires.

15.  Even if something can’t possibly happen, it might.

© 2013 A.D. by Jim Reed

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The best $2-an-hour fried chicken Baptist happy hour Sunday lunch in these here parts

Listen to Jim:

http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/thebest2-an-hour.mp3

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“Hmm…this is…superb!” I say to Liz, who is sitting across the table from me at Cracker Barrel, digging into her Sunday lunch veggie plate.

I’m referring to the crunchy, heavily breaded and deep-fried boneless chicken part that just disappeared into my mouth. It’s been a long time since I’ve tasted chicken that seems fresh and moist and crumbly all at the same moment. It’s as if someone just prepared it from an old family recipe. Is the Fast Food industry losing its touch and getting better?

I offer Liz a piece and she agrees with me. This is good stuff.

The restaurant crowd is loud and boisterous and mostly obese, but I’m happy to sacrifice peace and quiet and unattractive scenery for food that tastes like my aunts used to make in the old days.

We’ve fogotten that just-past-churchtime is the busiest time of the week, and the Cracker Barrel staff is more focused on processing incoming customers than sharing pleasantries and anecdotes. I try to break the ice anyhow: “This looks like Baptist Happy Hour here,” I say to the pale waitress with a smile, hoping she’ll smile back at my little attempt at humor. She thinks I mean that this is a peaceful period, so she comes back with, “This is the worst time of the week, and I’m not even supposed to be working this shift.” She strains a smile and goes about handling several tables at once.

Later, she offers more insight into her life. “I’ve been working for three hours today for just $22 in tips. These people don’t know we (the waiters) are paid $2 an hour and have to earn the rest from customers.” Turns out she’s desperate for money. “I broke my tooth and it really hurts—it’ll cost me $500 to get it fixed.”

As we finish up, the harried waitress buses the next table, picking up a $3 tip from a $50 tab. She grumbles to the busboy, who is sympathetic and tries to help.

Birmingham is not known as a town of big tippers. We’ve not gotten the 20% memo that much of the rest of the nation has received. They must not know our zip code.

I’m thinking I’ll give her a 50% tip as a gesture of understanding. Liz adds another $5. We leave, knowing we haven’t solved the $500 dental bill problem, but we are slighly proud of the fact that we listened to the server, as opposed to haughtily making small demands as if we’re the upper crust and everybody else is the Help. I see people doing that a lot in restaurants these days.

“Two dollars an hour?” I quip to Liz as we head home. “Is this a great country or what?”

There oughtta be a law

 

 

 

 

Lesley

The 9 1/2 Most Profound Thoughts Anyone Ever Had

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/the9andonehalfmostprofoundthoughts.mp3

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The 9 1/2 Most Profound Thoughts Anyone Ever Had

1.  When eating a doughnut, meditate upon the significance of the hole, for without it, you’re merely munching on a patty of cooked dough.

2.  Always begin the day by awakening—otherwise the night will just keep extending itself.

3.  When applauding, you get a better sound by using both hands.

4.  You can stand alone in a forest and tell a joke, but you’ll never know whether it’s funny.

5.  It is better to pay the power bill than to curse the darkness.

6.  Tomorrow is the day after the first day of the rest of your life.

7.  Most things work fine till they break down.

8.  If you misplace your comparative analysis skills, you will become disallusioned.

9.  Try never to be more than one place at once.

10. The secret of life is like an ice floe. You never—wait, I don’t have that one ready yet

 

The Roar of the Motor, the Thrill of the Hills

Listen to Jim: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/theroarofthemotor.mp3

or read on…

I’m off my rocker today, and I’d like to stay off it as long as I can. The ol’ rocking chair don’t got me yet, but sometimes I can feel it beckoning.

Looking in the mirror is kind of awkward to a geezer my age, since how I feel deep down inside doesn’t in any way match up with the image I see reflected back at me.

In memory ever re-booted, I’m still a teenager back in the village of Tuscaloosa, way back before you were even thought of.

Back then, the roads are two-lane blacktops, the terms fast food and convenience store don’t exist, a screened-in porch is the only air conditioning in most homes, movie theatres pour real butter on their popcorn, and any kind of wheels you can conjure up provide the best and cheapest thrills imaginable. My elders weave tales of their teen years—all about how the only way to get a reluctant date to put  her arms around you is to take her for a spin over Thrill Hills.

That gets my attention: How to get a pretty girl to hug you.

Back Then, Thrill Hills is the stretch of winding road between my home on 15th Street and the east side of town, near the veterans’ hospital. The hills are closely packed, and if you speed up while cresting one of them, you’ll begin a descent so fast that a near-weightless state occurs. The stomach turns, the roller coaster you momentarily pilot almost leaves the asphalt, and your companion screams, grabs hold of you and hangs on for dear life, whether or not she feels so inclined.

I think about Thrill Hills for years until, one day, I get a chance to propel myself and a date along the route. It works. If lucky, it might occasionally lead to some smooching, but that mostly is just in my mind, not hers.

Many decades later, I drive to Tuscaloosa to find the Thrill Hills stretch. It exists no more. The hills have been “developed” and smoothed down and multi-paved, so that there is no real leap of death. The Thrill is gone. What do teenagers do for cheap thrills nowadays? I don’t want to know, thank you.

One other hill in Tuscaloosa has disappeared, too. Let me describe it to you.

Back then, Downtown Tuscaloosa and the City of Northport are connected by a giant Erector Set of a metal bridge spanning the meandering Black Warrior River. Going over that bridge from T Town to Northport, you get ready to descend a long hill. These days, it, too, has been smoothed down, the bridge demolished, and a streamlined multi-laned overpass replaces it. But back then, making the return trek from river-level Northport back into the City is a real challenge.

Late at night, having finished my midnight shift as a teenaged announcer at WNPT radio on the north bank of the Black Warrior, I board my Cushman motor scooter and prepare to ascend that long, long hill. The Cushman is friction-taped together, and the motor barely runs. But, as my sole source of transportation, it is a thing of beauty. Only problem is, it takes about a mile to work up enough speed to get to the top of that hill. Luckily, it being the wee hours of the morning, there is little traffic, so I head north for a stretch, u-turn toward the bridge, and accelerate to the limits of the motor. I usually make it on the first try, but now and then, if forced to stop or slow down, the process has to be repeated.

So, most of my teenage thrills are free…the thrill of soaring over hills with a girl my age, the thrill of conquering the Northport hill several times a week, and the additional motor scooter thrill that only motorscooterists know about. Asking someone you just met to take a ride with you cuts through weeks of excruciation dating. Do you know a quicker way to get a girl to wrap herself around you, squeeze tight, and yell, “Faster! Faster!” ?

Well?

Nor do I

 

 

Far ago and long away…

Listen to Jim here: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/faragoandlongaway.mp3

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Far ago and long away, I dreamed a dream one day.

The time is far, far ago, but it is ever fresh in memory. Some of the best times of my life were spent in Peterson, a village between Tuscaloosa and Brookwood, a stripped-out mining town. In Peterson resided my maternal grandparents, as well as various aunts and uncles and cousins, and back then, some sixty years ago, all us kinfolk liked nothing better than to converge and reunite and party together on a Sunday afternoon.

Now this may not be you young’uns’ idea of partying, but it was everything we knew to do, in order to have a good time. The time is long away, but here’s what a McGee reunion felt like:

Dried butterbeans under a tree in Uncle Pat and Aunt Elizabeth McGee’s sideyard. No, we didn’t eat the butterbeans except one time, and once was enough. What my uncles did with the butterbeans was use them instead of chips, to sit on the ground and play poker. The summertime buggy and humid heat was barely noticed, because the Games and the Slow Roast were the thing. Two games went on simultaneously. The poker game—in which all the winner got was a bunch of dried beans—and the baseball game on the radio. You see, back then, nobody had portable radios, so the Big Game emanated from one of the old cars in the family. One uncle would pull his car near the Game and leave the door open so we could all hear the big plays, the excited crowd, the crisp snap of wood against hide, the terse shouts of the umpire.

The Slow Roast was right next to the game—big hunks of pork turning over an open-pit fire, smoking up the woods and forcing all humans who care about eating to salivate involuntarily. Cousin Patricia reports six decades later that, after we’ve eaten, Uncle Buddy reveals that it is goat meat—not pork.

This was Division of Labor stuff back then. The men were in charge of staying up all night, tending the cooking, biding their time with poker and baseball, and trying their best to set sedentary examples of good behavior for dozens of run-amok kids. The women did everything else.

Mind you, this was the post-economic-depression era when all men worked hard at hard-time jobs, when Sundays with family were their only respite, when for a few hours they could pretend to be hotshot gamblers and master chefs and wizened tribal chiefs.

Meanwhile, cousins and their playmates were free to roam wild in Uncle Pat’s woods, chase after and be chased by spiders and snakes, attract redbugs and ticks, laugh out loud and wrestle, play their own baseball game in the nearby cornfield, pretend to be feral Tarzans and Noble Savages and in general let out all that energy that had been pent up during the week.

The women would cook and wrangle kids and socialize and gossip and knit and darn and set tables and wash dishes and collect detritus that the men would later dispose of. Both men and women would share in the arduous task of making gallons of ice cream on the spot, emptying ice and salt into buckets while older kids took turns cranking and cranking and cranking, their only motivation being the sweet taste of fresh peaches absorbed into the creamiest ice cream you could ever imagine.

Everybody knew their responsibilities in those days, nobody hid from helping out, everyone came to each other’s rescue when a bruise appeared, all accidents were tended to in gentle good humor, all conflicts were mediated and peacefully settled, all passions channeled for the good of the one-day commune.

At the end of the long day, each family would sit wearily and happily in automobiles waiting while relatives leaned and said 45-minute lingering goodbyes to each other. Nobody wanted to leave the scene, everybody had to, and, regardless of how tired and spent and scraped and bloated and bugbit each of us was, we couldn’t help but think about the next reunion when we’d do it all again.

Yep, far ago and long away, I dreamed a dream, a dream that still seems true when I look at the results of those strong and handsome adult relatives who set such powerful examples for us kids. The truth is in watching those kids today, now elderly kinfolk with their own kids and kids of kids, each year once more holding a reunion and passing down the generations a rich appreciation of tribe and family and genetics and mutual support.

It’s all still there, and the next reunion is next year, and I’m salivating already

 

 

Having an Epitome on the Way to Damascus

Listen to Jim here:

http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/havinganepitomeontheroadtodamascus.mp3

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What it is, is words.

The old saw that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is merely an ironic way of saying the opposite of the truth.

You and I know that words can hurt, maim, destroy, brand, make reality turn on a dime.

A broken bone is nothing compared to a destructive or uncaring word. The bone may heal, but we humans have trouble disremembering what people say to us or about us.

The good news is, healing words have an even more powerful effect—it’s just that we don’t use them enough, we don’t allow them access to our better judgement.

A kindly word, a gentle word, a caring word, an uplifting word—each can change the rotation of the earth when sincerely applied.

Every day, the battle of words goes on around us. It’s important to note the nutty and incorrect usages, too, since this helps us cover over and dismiss those nasty and unkind words swirling about. For instance, a television network interviewer didn’t even notice when his interviewee said, “My life changed back then. I had an epitome.” See what I mean?
 
It’s been so long since I’ve had an epitome that I’m tempted to travel to Damascus just to see if one jumps out at me. Wonder how the roads are holding up there?
 
If you hear enough colorful usages, enough disturbing misuses, you’ll just about give up obsessing over the painful words tossed at you. Look for the pony. Indeed, look for the purple five-legged pony—he’ll be much more entertaining and distracting.
 
Styx and scones may break my attention span, but curds will never hurt me.
 
In my little home and at my shop, there are dictionaries everywhere—unabridged, collegiate, condensed, enormous, pocket-sized, leatherbound, paperbacked, frazzled, pristine…and the remarkable thing about them is that they all provide different definitions of the same words. If you don’t like a definition, just toss that one aside and look for one that suits you. It’s your life. You’re in charge–even if you would rather not be
 

DAYS OF MINUSCULE BIG THINGS AND GIGANTIC SMALL STUFF

DAYS OF MINUSCULE BIG THINGS 

AND GIGANTIC SMALL STUFF

Listen to Jim here: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/daysofminusculebigthings.mp3

or read on…

 

Everybody who visits my life submits a manuscript for review.

Each customer, visitor, neighbor, pedestrian, drive-by-er, social media associate, broadcaster, beggar, salesperson, hustler, campaigner, seducer, attacker, bystander…each bows under the weight of  personal  baggage, and—again, whether consciously or comatosely—each reveals mysteries and secrets to me, to be digested later within the solace of my red clay diary.

Just a few tidbits from recent days…

An out-of-town visitor remarks with great enthusiasm that her time in Birmingham has been amazing and beautiful. She loves it all—the green hills, the hospitality, the kindnesses of strangers, the unexpected thrills emanating from the city’s shops and bistros and parks and museums and playplaces.

I love hearing how strangers view us, and I wish again that the town’s own denizens each felt as positive about our remarkable environs.

An NPR reporter, cold-reading his copy instead of testing it aloud, proclaims, “…Russia will not allow no fly zones over Syria.” I have to pull over to the curb, stop the car, and decide whether to rebuke or laugh out loud. Let’s see, does the announcer lack grammar training, as in “We don’t allow no fly zones down here,” or could he sober me up with proper pause and inflection, “Russia will not allow no-fly zones over Syria?” You just have to know in advance that the term no-fly zone is all the rage.

A young daughter and mother listen and lean forward as I answer their questions about the blank diaries and classic literature that abound and overlap in the shop. I suddenly realize that my ranting zeal about the craft of writing and journaling is actually being listened to! So I become more careful and specific about what I’m expounding. They issue forth from the shop, ready to compose great works on screen and paper.
 

Shop employee Marie laughs as I share another emanation I just heard on the air—an interviewer rapidly and efficiently raves on about the government’s outrageous “ex-pen-DITCH-yours of millions of dollars…” Expenditures of dispronounceables such as this make my scalp tingle. Maybe the on-air person needs an adjustment of expendentures. Then Marie says she just heard another newscaster talk about “the voe-LIGHT-uhl situation in Syria.” It’s a volatile world out there, this world of journalists who never had a class in pronunciation. Reminds me of the oldtime comedians Bob and Ray, who talked about attending DICK-see-uhn school. Sometimes their diction was Dickensian. They also described what it was like to go up in an uh-LIV-uh-ter, and they once interviewed a man who wrestled uh-LIGG-uh-ters for a living.

My spirits take an up-elevator ride and my fear of alligators is abated whenever I listen to old Bob and Ray recordings. Makes me forget for a moment that there are only three or four of us left who know things about words that communicate easily and without speedbumps.
 

My shop is a hideout and respite from the world of media which, this week, fill my cranium with such unnecessary information about some Russian poohbah who stole a ring given to him by some jock. Where is Reagan the one time you need him? He could be screaming, “Mr. Putin, give back that ring!”

 A pleasant customer and I are exchanging personal anecdotes about forgetfulness. She describes hearing her two-year-old son talking to himself in the next room. As he enters her room he pauses and says to no-one in particular, “Now, what did I come in here for?”

That reminds me, what did I have in mind when I started writing this column?

Truth is, I didn’t have anything in mind beyond allowing my thoughts to tumble out and land in a story—before they fall to the floor and roll under something 

 

Why, if I had my dictionary handy, I’d get you good!

Listen to Jim here: http://redclaydiary.com/mp3/whyifihadmydictionary.mp3

or read on…

For once, I’d like to say something dramatically effective to win my argument with you.

“You dirty rotten scoundrel!”

“You’re just a…just a rapscallion, that’s what you are!”

“Why, you no-good son-of-a-son-of-a…”

“You terminological inexactitude!”

Mmm…I want to express my expletives in an original or surprising way, but I just can’t find the right word. Most current literary and journalistic and social mediaistic jargon is filled with a few key and unimaginative cuss words, most beginning with f and s and a and a handful of other worn-out exclamations.

I’d like to use a word that is either made up (that’s too easy) or resuscitated or reborn or hopefully funny.

What about You Simon Legree? Well, you’d have to be literary to know you don’t want to be called that.

Hmm…

What about “You slimy Ewok!” Well, only HGW would take umbrage.

Howz about “You dirty human!” But Pierre Boulle would just laugh.

You scum-sucking pig!” Only an Amigo can get away with that.

See how hard it is for booknerds to come up with something powerful? There aren’t enough fellow booknerds around who would “get” these allusions.

I’ll just settle for, “You cad!” That way, you won’t even be offended, I won’t get punched, no profanities will have been employed, and, as Dylan Thomas would say, “Then, we can both sit down and have some tea.” Just one nerd and one cad and some goodwill to round out the day.

There, that wasn’t so tough, was it?

Meanwhile, be prepared—I’m still trolling through all those old dictionaries I keep around the house and the shop, to find just the right word to diminish you and make you jealous of my word skills. Problem is, not all words appear in dictionaries—said dictionaries seem to go out of date upon publication. This has been true for several centuries.

Samuel Johnson said in 1755 that his own dictionary contained many defects but “…it is unavoidable; I could not visit caverns to learn the miner’s language, nor take a voyage to perfect my skill in the dialect of navigation, nor visit the warehouses of merchants, and shops of artificers, to gain the names of wares, tools, and operations, of which no mention is found in books…”
 
Geez, even the master himself was at a loss for words